This has been quite a break from blogging - I had a lot going on - relocating to live with my Grandmother who has Alzheimer's, leaving my job, attempting to find some help caring for Gram, and... re-registering my car. With this, I'm back. Thanks for your patience.
You would think transferring your registration from New Hampshire to Massachusetts would be easy. They share a border. It turns out that border-sharing essentially means...well, nothing.
Registering your automobile in Massachusetts is no picnic. In fact, I would advise you to bring a picnic to the Registry of Motor Vehicles (henceforth referred to as the RMV) - heck, bring everything from your doomsday bunker. You'll need it.
First thing's first: The RMV. They are very sensitive to the fact that they are no longer the DMV. Why they need to be difficult and call it the RMV instead of the DMV was beyond me, until of course I discovered that absolutely everything automobile-y in the Bay State must live up to some sort of warped difficulty standard. Every so often, things get familiar and actually work...and then it's time for a change. I'll humor them: RMV it is.
Registering your Automobile at the Massachusetts RMV
Step 1: Sign up for insurance. Make sure you have it before you go to register the vehicle. The insurance company will complete some paperwork that you must bring with you. The address must be a physical address. It does not matter if the same post office box has been associated with your physical address for the past three generations, or 82 years. They will deny they know anything about it.
Step 2: Gather every piece of documentation of your existence that you own. Your current driver's license, your passport (one expired and one current), birth certificate, college ID, high school ID, and military ID, if applicable. Two or three pieces of mail with your name and address, a letter from your employer, a paycheck stub, and it's probably wise to bring at least two, maybe three people who can vouch for who you are and where you live - if you can find a police officer or a judge to attend on your behalf, all the better. Bring your smartphone so you can pull up Facebook and show them your hometown and that you've been tagged as yourself on several occasions.
DO NOT FORGET YOUR CHECKBOOK. Make sure the address matches.
Step 3: Bring your rations and above-mentioned documentation and get in line. Smile and be polite when you tell them why you are there. You will enjoy the look of utter shock on the person's face as they fumble to give you the registration form you must complete before they will let you anywhere near the next line. It does not matter if the form they give you looks exactly like the neatly completed (typed, even) one you brought with you from the insurance company. Fill it out again. Neatly. Or you will be issued additional forms until it is legible. Print, I tell you.
Step 4: Bring both forms and all your IDs (plus witnesses) back into the line. Go to the end of the line. If you really want to have a good time, smile as you inch closer to the front and continue to be polite. The person will almost fall over (or maybe they're ducking b/c it looks like you are presenting with the calm before the storm). Take your number cheerfully and find an empty space on one of the park-bench-look-ing, de-signed-to-be-un-com-fort-a-ble-be-cause-this-is-the-on-ly-way-they-can-get-back-at-you-for-mak-ing-them-do-their-job things to sit on. Get out some snacks. Hunker down for the longest stint of Tetris you've played in years.
Do not bother watching the clock or monitoring the number of minutes you've been waiting compared to the number of minutes your ticket said you would wait. The RMV is in a warp zone, only more like a Groundhog Day-ish warp zone - you will never level up. Time is irrelevant.
Step 5: Relax and enjoy the mass chaos and disgruntledness that is the essence of the Massachusetts RMV. The calm look on your face will drive everyone else crazy. They will be sitting there, waiting for you to crack and bust out in fits of laughter, to be followed by a stream of berating remarks to any clerk within earshot. Witness the clerks initiate a hostile conversation even before the patron speaks. Be thankful that you are not the man trying to register his commercial vehicle - going outside and a mile away (due to lack of parking at the RMVehicles) to check the mileage, weight, etc., because these have to be exact numbers. NO estimating. Be thankful you have your checkbook because they will not take cash. Receipts mean nothing to these people.
[You know, they do have a special cut-in-line number if you've had to come back due to missing documentation, estimated weight/mileage, or because they closed before they got to you the last time you took a day off from work to ensure you remain a law-abiding, registered citizen. If this is your third time, you get fast-tracked.] Now that I think about it, you should pretend you forgot something, give up your place in line, and come back three times in one day to fast-track yourself to the the fast-track. The fast-track isn't that fast, mind you, but you will be entertained by the scoffs heard when everyone who has watched you bounce around like a ping-pong ball, forgetting stuff here and there, hears the unnecessarily loud announcement that you have been fast-tracked. Imagine.
Step 6: Hope you get the RMV rep that was just screamed at by the patron before you. Oh wait, that's all of them. So, remain calm and polite and compliment them on something. It may help. It may not help. But, at least you get to witness the deer-in-the-headlights look you'll encounter in response to your polite-ism. Win.
Step 7: Pay your fees. Write a separate check for each fee. Triple-check that you have the right amount on your check before you hand it over. For Pete's sake, make sure it is written out to the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles. Do not even think of writing "DMV" and then cleverly changing it to "RMV". They will know.
Step 8: Choose your license plate. I recommend the "United We Stand" plate, in honor of 9/11, that has a very nice flag background. Do not be talked out of the plate you want. It does not matter if it is more expensive, if it isn't very popular, or if it is in the bottom drawer so they have to bend over an extra six inches to get it. You have waited in line this long and you are stuck with what you choose. Choose wisely. Insist you know what you want and do not get out of line without it.
Step 9: Go back to the insurance company, new registration in hand, and record the fact you're still alive.
SO: The thing that I don't understand (aside from the relatively new and seemingly unfounded campaign against being called the DMV), is that I wasn't really asking for anything. I was actually trying to give them something. Namely, lots of money.
I register in Massachusetts and my car insurance goes up (+$200). I have to pay an excise tax. I pay to register (x2 my NH registration), and then extra (every year) for my beloved flaggy-background plates ($50), which I had to practically start a brawl to get. And, I receive nothing in return. My license plate didn't even come with shiny new screws. You really don't want to make it easier for me to give you money? You love money! You're Taxachusetts (and seemingly the Keno capital of the world.) Money makes you tick. Take it.
What I have come to understand is that despite their longstanding negative reputation, the people of Massachusetts are not inherently bad drivers. They're just angry.
Because they've all had to register their automobiles in Massachusetts.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Friday, December 30, 2011
On Backing Up
Until now, I was having a lot of difficulty getting the property management company to plow our driveway. They have several businesses that have contracted with them to have their lots plowed. Well yes, I guess I'm not paying so I can wait. And, waited I have. I've also waded - through a foot of snow to clean off my car, driven over it to get to work, and over it again at the end of the day. At that point, I've called three times and they may as well NOT plow. What is the point? None yet. We're getting to it.
Let me just tell you that our driveway is BIG. Big enough to park 8 cars without ever having to ask anyone to move so you could back out...big enough to fit all eight without parking on the neighbor's lawn. [For the record, we weren't on their lawn. I'm pretty sure that if you spray painted, say, a white line from the end of the fence to the edge of the road, you would see we had at least an inch to spare. Ok I'm positive that's what you would find. We did it; I have photos.]. REGARDLESS of the lack of neighborly love, it is a big driveway. Big enough to fit one of those state plow trucks down it, even with all 8 cars in place.
Yesterday, it snowed approximately one inch. Maybe less. This is the night the plow guy decides it's really important to come. ONE INCH. I certainly don't want to discourage him, but I would like to know how, given the smallness of his plow truck and the largeness of our driveway, he managed to absolutely demolish our best recycle bin that happened to be NOT IN OUR DRIVEWAY AT ALL.
What's done is done. The recycle bin simply didn't stand a chance against a plow truck driver that was backing up with such recklessness. I started berating him in my head for not knowing how to drive and mentally suggesting that he consider a new career as a Shriner (smaller car).
At that moment, I realized it isn't entirely his fault. He didn't grow up as my father's kid and therefore didn't get what I would consider to be the best fatherly advice known to man. I mean yes, my dad taught us not to float dishes in the dishpan - the food sticks. He also insisted we wear ball caps to the fair - I forgot once after I got to be an invincible adult and my nose peeled for three solid weeks. He taught me to keep a roll of electrical tape in my glovebox and not to pick up hitchhikers, but he also taught me a thing or two about the actual driving (including one incredibly short lesson on driving stick).
We were sitting in the Irving parking lot, I looked behind me and started to back out. Further, a little further. Further than that. He turns and looks at me and says something that recycle bins everywhere wish everyone knew: Only back up as far as you have to to move forward.
Yes, Dad. I will.
Let me just tell you that our driveway is BIG. Big enough to park 8 cars without ever having to ask anyone to move so you could back out...big enough to fit all eight without parking on the neighbor's lawn. [For the record, we weren't on their lawn. I'm pretty sure that if you spray painted, say, a white line from the end of the fence to the edge of the road, you would see we had at least an inch to spare. Ok I'm positive that's what you would find. We did it; I have photos.]. REGARDLESS of the lack of neighborly love, it is a big driveway. Big enough to fit one of those state plow trucks down it, even with all 8 cars in place.
Yesterday, it snowed approximately one inch. Maybe less. This is the night the plow guy decides it's really important to come. ONE INCH. I certainly don't want to discourage him, but I would like to know how, given the smallness of his plow truck and the largeness of our driveway, he managed to absolutely demolish our best recycle bin that happened to be NOT IN OUR DRIVEWAY AT ALL.
What's done is done. The recycle bin simply didn't stand a chance against a plow truck driver that was backing up with such recklessness. I started berating him in my head for not knowing how to drive and mentally suggesting that he consider a new career as a Shriner (smaller car).
At that moment, I realized it isn't entirely his fault. He didn't grow up as my father's kid and therefore didn't get what I would consider to be the best fatherly advice known to man. I mean yes, my dad taught us not to float dishes in the dishpan - the food sticks. He also insisted we wear ball caps to the fair - I forgot once after I got to be an invincible adult and my nose peeled for three solid weeks. He taught me to keep a roll of electrical tape in my glovebox and not to pick up hitchhikers, but he also taught me a thing or two about the actual driving (including one incredibly short lesson on driving stick).
We were sitting in the Irving parking lot, I looked behind me and started to back out. Further, a little further. Further than that. He turns and looks at me and says something that recycle bins everywhere wish everyone knew: Only back up as far as you have to to move forward.
Yes, Dad. I will.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Door Etiquette
You might think that door etiquette is common sense...I'm always surprised at the number of people who don't know about it. The following is my repertoire of polite things to do when a door is involved.
Knocking on a Door
There is so much to consider when selecting the appropriate door knock (or electing not to knock, or choosing the door bell as the case may be). I feel that situation comes first: Emergency??? First Date??? Unexpected??? Long-time friend who practically has a key???, followed by time of day and whether it is an internal or an external door. Other factors may come into play but those are the top 3. I will now introduce several possible situations and go on to explain how the time of day and door location factor in.
[Let me first note that if there is a storm door, it is appropriate to open that door and knock on the inner one. Then, CLOSE the storm door before the person arrives so that there is a barrier. If they want you to come in, they will open the storm door for you and say "come in".]
Emergency: If it's an Emergency, you should just knock as loud as you can and maybe yell the person's name and "It's an Emergency!" to emphasize that it is An Emergency. Time of day and type of door is irrelevant. Unless breaking down the door is determined to be necessary, and then you will need to select your strategy based on the composition of the door (e.g. do not try to bust through an aluminum door with your shoulder; try a fireman's axe. Or a grenade.)
Unexpected Guest: So maybe you were out riding around and decided you hadn't seen your friend in a while, or maybe you're a nosy neighbor and you want to find out what's been going on in the kitchen at night when those weird lights are emanating from the window over the sink. In any case, you are unexpected. It's best not to be unexpected when it's dark out. If you have to be, you should try to announce yourself when you knock or ring the bell so the inhabitant is not all freaked out. If they know it's you on the other side of the door, the whole experience will be less nerve-wracking. Provided you are able to arrive during the day, ring the doorbell or knock accordingly. A nice solid knock. And wait. If they don't answer the door, it's appropriate to knock a second time ("Did you hear someone at the door? No? Ok.") but a second knock is unmistakable. If no one responds after two bouts of knocking, they are busy, not home, or don't want to talk to you. If they do answer the door, apologize for being unexpected and ask if it is a good time. Mean it when you ask if it is a good time and do not force yourself upon them. If there is any hesitation, offer to come back at another time. Now that I think of it, you should bring a gift on an unexpected visit. Wine is a good option so they can start drinking it to take the edge off in the case they really don't want to deal with you.
Long-time friend who practically has a key: Or maybe you do have a key. If you get a key, you should set entry expectations immediately. So, should I just use this to check on the pets when you're out of town or can I stop by and help myself to a beer in the fridge? Should I call first? If you invite me over and I'm on time, I'll just walk in so you don't have to get up to answer the door.
First Date: Well, you do not want to be too timid, nor too forceful, and you do not want to knock too rapidly (are you late? in a hurry?) nor too slow (are you slow?). A nice strong three-knock arrival is best. One or two are too few (was that a knock? or am I just hearing things because I want him/her to arrive already? Do I open the door and risk that he or she is just coming up the walk/down the hall?). Meanwhile, you're on the outside wondering whether the person left and locked the door because they don't want to date you and if you knock again, you will appear desperate? So awkward. Any more than three is too many - can't you wait for me to get to the door?? Rhythmic knocking? Please no. Please, please no. Timing: the person will be expecting you because of course, you will be on-time for your first date. And, you best not be knocking on an inner door, creepster.
Door Position
It's striking how many people actually do not realize that door position means something! Yes, it does. OK: If the door is wide open, it's like an open invitation. You may knock lightly on your way into the room as a polite gesture but if it's open, it's open and in you go. But, what if the door is only half-open? It probably means the person is busy or doesn't really want to be disturbed but they don't want to totally shut people out, either. This deserves a knock and a pretty good reason for interrupting whatever they are doing. A cracked door means you should only interrupt the person if it is really, really important. The person may be on the phone, or working, or have someone else in the room with them, and they don't really want to be disturbed. So, obviously if the door is closed, you best have a good reason for knocking. Like if your roommate's aunt comes by and you don't want to deal with her: wake him up. The famous closed with a sock on the knob means you really, really should not interrupt. Even if it is an Emergency, you might want to think twice or try to delay your knock. Important things are happening in there. Try to wait (but not too close to the door for fear of being accused of listening in. Or worse, hearing something you will never, ever be able to get out of your head.)
Holding Doors
The etiquette for holding a door has changed over the years. In some cases, women's rights have really improved the world. In this case, men are using the fact that we have rights to make us open the door for them. Current etiquette seems to require that whoever gets to the door first opens and holds it, unless someone elderly or disabled is involved, and then that person should never open or hold the door. I personally am advocating for men to step back up and be the person who opens and holds the door. In general, you're bigger than us. Doors are heavy. You also don't wear heels (usually). Opening a heavy door while wearing heels is super-awkward. So, if you want us to make our legs look nice by wearing heels, you best get a move on. If you don't want to be that guy who always holds the door, offending the few women that insist on equality in the world of door-opening, here's a great excuse: you most likely have longer legs so you will almost always make it to the door first if you try.
The other thing to consider when holding a door is how far away the other person is when you open the door. I'd like to think I have perfected this. If they are rushing toward the building or if they are carrying something awkward or bulky, hold the door. If they are far away and taking their time and not looking at you, go ahead and close it behind you. If the person is within a reasonable distance (meaning that you can clearly see their facial expression), then go ahead and hold it but be prepared to make conversation starting when they are about 20-30 feet away so they do not feel rushed. You don't want them to try to hurry up and wipe out. That's way more awkward than too-long door holding.
Using the Hole Created by an Open Door
Observe "IN" and "OUT" signs. Public doors are supposed to open out, in case there's a fire in the building. I'd say as a general rule, people heading in the direction that the door swings should go first. So, people on their way out of a building come out before others go in. Inner doors can be a little tricky but use the same principle. If you're on the side where you'd have to push the door open, you should go first. The exception is if the other person is elderly or disabled, or if you're a guy and you want to accept the fact that women's rights does not really mean that you get to go first.
Regarding open doors on elevators and subways: WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE GETS OFF BEFORE YOU TRY TO GET ON, PEOPLE. I MEAN IT.
Please Close the Door
Unless you live in a barn. When in doubt, I usually close the door, or start to close it and say "would you like me to close the door?". Outer doors should almost always be closed upon exit, unless there's a screen door involved. It's ok to leave the inner door open if there's a screen door to keep the bugs out, and especially if the inner door was open when you arrived (hopefully announced). Now that I think about it, even barn doors should be closed at times. Like at the end of the day so the cows don't roam all over the place in the dark. Cows need sleep, too.
Slamming Doors
I would think long and hard before you decide to slam a door. If it's a car door and it shuts hard, then fine. If it's your bedroom door and you're trying to make a point in a fight with your parents, sibling, or significant other...you may not want to do that. You could get their finger stuck. Then you have to spend the afternoon at the hospital getting x-rays. You could cause something to fall off the wall. Then you have to spend your afternoon cleaning it up, repairing it, and/or buying a new one to replace it. In either case, you're out both time and money. Nobody wins.
These are what I view as the major door situations and what to do. I'm sure there are other random situations but I'm confident that with this new set of skills, you'll be able to infer what to do. Just slow down a bit and take into account as many factors as you can. If it feels awkward, it probably is, and you should just apologize and try something else the next time. Sometimes talking about it helps.
Knocking on a Door
There is so much to consider when selecting the appropriate door knock (or electing not to knock, or choosing the door bell as the case may be). I feel that situation comes first: Emergency??? First Date??? Unexpected??? Long-time friend who practically has a key???, followed by time of day and whether it is an internal or an external door. Other factors may come into play but those are the top 3. I will now introduce several possible situations and go on to explain how the time of day and door location factor in.
[Let me first note that if there is a storm door, it is appropriate to open that door and knock on the inner one. Then, CLOSE the storm door before the person arrives so that there is a barrier. If they want you to come in, they will open the storm door for you and say "come in".]
Emergency: If it's an Emergency, you should just knock as loud as you can and maybe yell the person's name and "It's an Emergency!" to emphasize that it is An Emergency. Time of day and type of door is irrelevant. Unless breaking down the door is determined to be necessary, and then you will need to select your strategy based on the composition of the door (e.g. do not try to bust through an aluminum door with your shoulder; try a fireman's axe. Or a grenade.)
Unexpected Guest: So maybe you were out riding around and decided you hadn't seen your friend in a while, or maybe you're a nosy neighbor and you want to find out what's been going on in the kitchen at night when those weird lights are emanating from the window over the sink. In any case, you are unexpected. It's best not to be unexpected when it's dark out. If you have to be, you should try to announce yourself when you knock or ring the bell so the inhabitant is not all freaked out. If they know it's you on the other side of the door, the whole experience will be less nerve-wracking. Provided you are able to arrive during the day, ring the doorbell or knock accordingly. A nice solid knock. And wait. If they don't answer the door, it's appropriate to knock a second time ("Did you hear someone at the door? No? Ok.") but a second knock is unmistakable. If no one responds after two bouts of knocking, they are busy, not home, or don't want to talk to you. If they do answer the door, apologize for being unexpected and ask if it is a good time. Mean it when you ask if it is a good time and do not force yourself upon them. If there is any hesitation, offer to come back at another time. Now that I think of it, you should bring a gift on an unexpected visit. Wine is a good option so they can start drinking it to take the edge off in the case they really don't want to deal with you.
Long-time friend who practically has a key: Or maybe you do have a key. If you get a key, you should set entry expectations immediately. So, should I just use this to check on the pets when you're out of town or can I stop by and help myself to a beer in the fridge? Should I call first? If you invite me over and I'm on time, I'll just walk in so you don't have to get up to answer the door.
First Date: Well, you do not want to be too timid, nor too forceful, and you do not want to knock too rapidly (are you late? in a hurry?) nor too slow (are you slow?). A nice strong three-knock arrival is best. One or two are too few (was that a knock? or am I just hearing things because I want him/her to arrive already? Do I open the door and risk that he or she is just coming up the walk/down the hall?). Meanwhile, you're on the outside wondering whether the person left and locked the door because they don't want to date you and if you knock again, you will appear desperate? So awkward. Any more than three is too many - can't you wait for me to get to the door?? Rhythmic knocking? Please no. Please, please no. Timing: the person will be expecting you because of course, you will be on-time for your first date. And, you best not be knocking on an inner door, creepster.
Door Position
It's striking how many people actually do not realize that door position means something! Yes, it does. OK: If the door is wide open, it's like an open invitation. You may knock lightly on your way into the room as a polite gesture but if it's open, it's open and in you go. But, what if the door is only half-open? It probably means the person is busy or doesn't really want to be disturbed but they don't want to totally shut people out, either. This deserves a knock and a pretty good reason for interrupting whatever they are doing. A cracked door means you should only interrupt the person if it is really, really important. The person may be on the phone, or working, or have someone else in the room with them, and they don't really want to be disturbed. So, obviously if the door is closed, you best have a good reason for knocking. Like if your roommate's aunt comes by and you don't want to deal with her: wake him up. The famous closed with a sock on the knob means you really, really should not interrupt. Even if it is an Emergency, you might want to think twice or try to delay your knock. Important things are happening in there. Try to wait (but not too close to the door for fear of being accused of listening in. Or worse, hearing something you will never, ever be able to get out of your head.)
Holding Doors
The etiquette for holding a door has changed over the years. In some cases, women's rights have really improved the world. In this case, men are using the fact that we have rights to make us open the door for them. Current etiquette seems to require that whoever gets to the door first opens and holds it, unless someone elderly or disabled is involved, and then that person should never open or hold the door. I personally am advocating for men to step back up and be the person who opens and holds the door. In general, you're bigger than us. Doors are heavy. You also don't wear heels (usually). Opening a heavy door while wearing heels is super-awkward. So, if you want us to make our legs look nice by wearing heels, you best get a move on. If you don't want to be that guy who always holds the door, offending the few women that insist on equality in the world of door-opening, here's a great excuse: you most likely have longer legs so you will almost always make it to the door first if you try.
The other thing to consider when holding a door is how far away the other person is when you open the door. I'd like to think I have perfected this. If they are rushing toward the building or if they are carrying something awkward or bulky, hold the door. If they are far away and taking their time and not looking at you, go ahead and close it behind you. If the person is within a reasonable distance (meaning that you can clearly see their facial expression), then go ahead and hold it but be prepared to make conversation starting when they are about 20-30 feet away so they do not feel rushed. You don't want them to try to hurry up and wipe out. That's way more awkward than too-long door holding.
Using the Hole Created by an Open Door
Observe "IN" and "OUT" signs. Public doors are supposed to open out, in case there's a fire in the building. I'd say as a general rule, people heading in the direction that the door swings should go first. So, people on their way out of a building come out before others go in. Inner doors can be a little tricky but use the same principle. If you're on the side where you'd have to push the door open, you should go first. The exception is if the other person is elderly or disabled, or if you're a guy and you want to accept the fact that women's rights does not really mean that you get to go first.
Regarding open doors on elevators and subways: WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE GETS OFF BEFORE YOU TRY TO GET ON, PEOPLE. I MEAN IT.
Please Close the Door
Unless you live in a barn. When in doubt, I usually close the door, or start to close it and say "would you like me to close the door?". Outer doors should almost always be closed upon exit, unless there's a screen door involved. It's ok to leave the inner door open if there's a screen door to keep the bugs out, and especially if the inner door was open when you arrived (hopefully announced). Now that I think about it, even barn doors should be closed at times. Like at the end of the day so the cows don't roam all over the place in the dark. Cows need sleep, too.
Slamming Doors
I would think long and hard before you decide to slam a door. If it's a car door and it shuts hard, then fine. If it's your bedroom door and you're trying to make a point in a fight with your parents, sibling, or significant other...you may not want to do that. You could get their finger stuck. Then you have to spend the afternoon at the hospital getting x-rays. You could cause something to fall off the wall. Then you have to spend your afternoon cleaning it up, repairing it, and/or buying a new one to replace it. In either case, you're out both time and money. Nobody wins.
These are what I view as the major door situations and what to do. I'm sure there are other random situations but I'm confident that with this new set of skills, you'll be able to infer what to do. Just slow down a bit and take into account as many factors as you can. If it feels awkward, it probably is, and you should just apologize and try something else the next time. Sometimes talking about it helps.
Friday, April 8, 2011
My Oil Light is On!
DO NOT PANIC. The oil light coming on means you do not have enough oil. Get some oil. Preferably do not drive your car to do it. You should not need to add oil between services so if this light comes on, there is something wrong with your car. You could have a leak or be burning oil for some reason. In any case, you need to get it to a mechanic without driving it. If you do not have AAA, find a friend that does. The coverage is for the person, not the vehicle. They just have to say they were getting a ride from you when you had to be towed. Then, sign up for your own coverage. It isn't that expensive and the peace of mind is worth it. See additional advice at the end of this post.
This advice comes to you as a result of [NAME OF FAMOUS PERSON WITH ADVANCED DEGREE REMOVED FOR PRIVACY, aka FPWADRFP]
FPWADRFP called me to say his check oil light came on. I said, "Did you check the oil?" No, he does not know how. OK, where are you? Did you hit anything?
FPWADRFP: I ran over a rock.
Oh, well it probably knocked off a brake line or punched a hole in the oil pan. Your car is low to the ground so it could happen.
FPWADRFP: I don't know what those things are. What should I do?
I think you should check the oil and see if there is any in there.
FPWADRFP: I don't know how to do that. I am going to try to drive home.
Um, if there is no oil then your engine will seize up and you'll need to buy a new one.
FPWADRFP: Like get an oil change?
NO A NEW ENGINE.
FPWADRFP: Well I think I am going to drive home.
OK I warned you.
[He does make it home and I agree to come check the oil in it in the morning before he decides what to do.]
*I arrive.
FPWADRFP: Hey I called AAA and they said that if there is any oil in it I should just drive it.
Of course they said that. They don't want to spend money on towing you.
*I check the oil and there is NONE. It does not even register on the stick.
FPWADRFP: How did you do that?
I pulled out the stick, wiped it off, put it back in and pulled it out to see what level it is.
FPWADRFP: How high is it supposed to be?
Up to the fill line. Where it says FULL.
FPWADRFP: Well it looks like it is up there.
NO IT IS NOT. THERE IS NO OIL IN YOUR CAR.
FPWADRFP: I'm going to drive it to Wilson Tire and see if they can put some in.
YOU CANNOT DRIVE A CAR WITH NO OIL IN IT.
FPWADRFP: I think it will be o.k.
*And then I follow him to Wilson because I give up. He does make it.
Hi Mechanic Guy, there is no oil in this dude's Audi.
Mechanic: YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE DRIVEN IT HERE. DID YOU HIT ANYTHING?
FPWADRFP: I hit a rock.
Oh, well it probably knocked off a brake line or punched a hole in the oil pan. Your car is low to the ground so it could happen.
FPWADRFP: I don't know what those things are. What should I do?
You should take it to Northeast Foreign Cars and have them look at it. We do not have the parts or the tools here.
FPWADRFP: OK, how far is that?
You will need to have it towed. I wouldn't even want to drive it on and off the lift if it doesn't have oil.
FPWADRFP: I drove it here and it was OK.
DO NOT DRIVE THIS CAR.
* So it did get towed to Northeast FC and there was no oil. They said he never should have driven it and they also said they couldn't find anything wrong with it so they just did an oil change and the light went off. ALSO: YOU DID NOT HIT A ROCK. IT WAS A PORCUPINE. THERE ARE BLOOD AND GUTS AND QUILLS EVERYWHERE.
* Later he told me there was evidence of hitting a porcupine because there was a lot of fur stuck to the bottom of the car.
Dashboard Light Advice: These lights come on for a reason. Automotive manufacturers have gone sort of crazy with their dash-light additions over the years, I think because people can't be bothered to learn about cars. Most of them come on for silly reasons like your gas cap not being tight enough. To avoid this, tighten down the cap. Til it clicks. A lot. Or, your tire pressure might be low. Check it. Add air. If it happens again, get the tire repaired or get a new tire.
The check-engine light (otherwise known as a malfunction indicator light or MIL) is a popular one for panic-causing. The general rule is that if it is steadily on and your car isn't making any noise you can drive it a short distance to the garage. If the light is blinking, pull over immediately and have it towed. Not good.
Driving Advice: If you are going to be driving a car, you should familiarize yourself with things that you could hit, like animals, and know your course of action before you get behind the wheel. Porcupines, in the grand scheme of things, are no biggie. A moose, however, is a very different story. Deer are smaller but can cause a lot of damage to your car as well. If there is a small animal, do not slam on your brakes or try to avoid it. Maintain control of the vehicle and drive through, then stop and assess the situation. Animals are pretty quick and it may have escaped on its own. For a larger animal, DO NOT swerve into the other lane of traffic. If there is a clear path to the right (e.g. breakdown lane or flat shoulder), you could try that. [Sand is not considered a flat shoulder - your car will most likely catch a tire and flip.] Otherwise, if you have to hit a moose, aim for the caboose. Hit a deer in the rear. I'm serious. You don't want them coming through the windshield and with this you have the best chance of them spinning around and mostly avoiding you. Like in NASCAR when someone gets tapped into the infield.
Advice for life: Learn which animals have fur. Don't talk about them if you don't know.
This advice comes to you as a result of [NAME OF FAMOUS PERSON WITH ADVANCED DEGREE REMOVED FOR PRIVACY, aka FPWADRFP]
FPWADRFP called me to say his check oil light came on. I said, "Did you check the oil?" No, he does not know how. OK, where are you? Did you hit anything?
FPWADRFP: I ran over a rock.
Oh, well it probably knocked off a brake line or punched a hole in the oil pan. Your car is low to the ground so it could happen.
FPWADRFP: I don't know what those things are. What should I do?
I think you should check the oil and see if there is any in there.
FPWADRFP: I don't know how to do that. I am going to try to drive home.
Um, if there is no oil then your engine will seize up and you'll need to buy a new one.
FPWADRFP: Like get an oil change?
NO A NEW ENGINE.
FPWADRFP: Well I think I am going to drive home.
OK I warned you.
[He does make it home and I agree to come check the oil in it in the morning before he decides what to do.]
*I arrive.
FPWADRFP: Hey I called AAA and they said that if there is any oil in it I should just drive it.
Of course they said that. They don't want to spend money on towing you.
*I check the oil and there is NONE. It does not even register on the stick.
FPWADRFP: How did you do that?
I pulled out the stick, wiped it off, put it back in and pulled it out to see what level it is.
FPWADRFP: How high is it supposed to be?
Up to the fill line. Where it says FULL.
FPWADRFP: Well it looks like it is up there.
NO IT IS NOT. THERE IS NO OIL IN YOUR CAR.
FPWADRFP: I'm going to drive it to Wilson Tire and see if they can put some in.
YOU CANNOT DRIVE A CAR WITH NO OIL IN IT.
FPWADRFP: I think it will be o.k.
*And then I follow him to Wilson because I give up. He does make it.
Hi Mechanic Guy, there is no oil in this dude's Audi.
Mechanic: YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE DRIVEN IT HERE. DID YOU HIT ANYTHING?
FPWADRFP: I hit a rock.
Oh, well it probably knocked off a brake line or punched a hole in the oil pan. Your car is low to the ground so it could happen.
FPWADRFP: I don't know what those things are. What should I do?
You should take it to Northeast Foreign Cars and have them look at it. We do not have the parts or the tools here.
FPWADRFP: OK, how far is that?
You will need to have it towed. I wouldn't even want to drive it on and off the lift if it doesn't have oil.
FPWADRFP: I drove it here and it was OK.
DO NOT DRIVE THIS CAR.
* So it did get towed to Northeast FC and there was no oil. They said he never should have driven it and they also said they couldn't find anything wrong with it so they just did an oil change and the light went off. ALSO: YOU DID NOT HIT A ROCK. IT WAS A PORCUPINE. THERE ARE BLOOD AND GUTS AND QUILLS EVERYWHERE.
* Later he told me there was evidence of hitting a porcupine because there was a lot of fur stuck to the bottom of the car.
Dashboard Light Advice: These lights come on for a reason. Automotive manufacturers have gone sort of crazy with their dash-light additions over the years, I think because people can't be bothered to learn about cars. Most of them come on for silly reasons like your gas cap not being tight enough. To avoid this, tighten down the cap. Til it clicks. A lot. Or, your tire pressure might be low. Check it. Add air. If it happens again, get the tire repaired or get a new tire.
The check-engine light (otherwise known as a malfunction indicator light or MIL) is a popular one for panic-causing. The general rule is that if it is steadily on and your car isn't making any noise you can drive it a short distance to the garage. If the light is blinking, pull over immediately and have it towed. Not good.
Driving Advice: If you are going to be driving a car, you should familiarize yourself with things that you could hit, like animals, and know your course of action before you get behind the wheel. Porcupines, in the grand scheme of things, are no biggie. A moose, however, is a very different story. Deer are smaller but can cause a lot of damage to your car as well. If there is a small animal, do not slam on your brakes or try to avoid it. Maintain control of the vehicle and drive through, then stop and assess the situation. Animals are pretty quick and it may have escaped on its own. For a larger animal, DO NOT swerve into the other lane of traffic. If there is a clear path to the right (e.g. breakdown lane or flat shoulder), you could try that. [Sand is not considered a flat shoulder - your car will most likely catch a tire and flip.] Otherwise, if you have to hit a moose, aim for the caboose. Hit a deer in the rear. I'm serious. You don't want them coming through the windshield and with this you have the best chance of them spinning around and mostly avoiding you. Like in NASCAR when someone gets tapped into the infield.
Advice for life: Learn which animals have fur. Don't talk about them if you don't know.
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